Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
