I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
