good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
