You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
