I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
