your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
