mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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