Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
