Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
