He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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