I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
