Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
