He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
