Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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