Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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