i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
