i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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