I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
