Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
