i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm getting married
To pizza
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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