I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
