I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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