I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
