how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
