got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
