dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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