Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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