I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
