why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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