I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
