I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
