I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
