I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
