his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
