so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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