Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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