Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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