Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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