Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
