Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
