My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
