just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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