I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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