I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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