I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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