you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
