Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
