Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
