It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
