I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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